Winter's Silence Sample Chapter

Everything was all slushy on the way home from school. I tiptoed carefully round the puddles, Leigh steered her bike right through them. The wind messed up her braids, yellow hair went in her mouth and over her eyes like it was snow.

I wished I had a bike too. I covered the note pinned to my jacket and prayed that Mama would use her soft voice on me when she read it.

Leigh hummed a Christmas song as we rounded the corner. “I can’t wait ‘til the concert, can you, Emily?”

I shrugged.

“C’mon,” Leigh said. “It’ll be so fun.”

I scraped melting snow off my boot. “But there’s no Jewish stuff.”

“There’s a menorah next to the tree, isn’t there?”

I pushed my hands down deep into my pockets, I wanted to fold myself up. “Yeah, but…”

Something hit the back of my head and slid down my neck to under my shirt. A slushball.

I turned just in time to see dumb, fat Joey laughing. “Gotcha,” he said, and in a quiet voice he added something that sounded like, “Jew.”

My eyes burned me. A car honked, Leigh grabbed my arm. I looked both ways and ran across the street. I got across safe but there was ice on the sidewalk, I slipped and slid towards my house. I got up and flipped my zipper up and down ’til my eyes stopped wanting to cry.

Leigh’s bike crashed down. “Don’t—”

“I’m fine.” I reached under my shirt for the key I wished was round my neck like Leigh has round hers. My hands burned with cold. I marched to the front door and rang the doorbell.

No one answered.

I twisted my elbow around to look at the scar where I fell and rang the bell again. A big family of birds flew across the sky. They honked loud. I pushed the doorbell all the way in and held it down.

Mama opened the door. Her eyes were wide and blue as lakes and she had her smile on, but her lips were thin. I stared at her while I ripped the note off the pin and came in.

Uncle Matt, who was standing behind Mama, pushed the door closed. It squeaked all the way. The room felt like it was shrinking, Uncle Matt looked taller than ever. I held the note out in front of me and took baby steps. “Here, Mama. Miss James said you have to sign this.”

“Wipe your boots, please, Emily,” Mama said.

I pulled my boots off and put them on the mat. “It wasn’t my fault. In music class …”

Mama took the note and looked at it but her eyes didn’t move. “Uh huh.” She walked away.

I pretended I was going upstairs but really I leaned on the banister. I put my hair over my eyes and watched Mama talk to Uncle Matt through a red- brown curtain. Uncle Matt said something about Alex. Mama said, “The doctor …”

I pushed my hair out of my eyes. “What’s wrong with Alex?”

Everyone turned and looked at me. Mama’s face trembled and I listened for Alex crying but he didn’t.

Please God, make Alex OK. I’ll be good.

“Nothing’s wrong, kiddo,” Uncle Matt said. I opened my eyes and saw everything was the same except Uncle Matt was looking at me. “Alex is just … different. His mind is—”

Mama poked Uncle Matt with her elbow hard enough to hurt. He didn’t flinch. “I think Emily has a right to know what’s going on,” he said to her.

Mama pushed her teeth together. “I’ll tell her in my own way, thank you.”

Outside the wind pushed a tree branch against the window. I couldn’t stop shivering, I sat down and hugged myself.

Uncle Matt looked at me. I pretended I was a snowflake melting into the stairs but he didn’t look away.

“It wasn’t my fault,” I said. “Miss James—”

“Look, Emily …”

“Matthew,” Mama said. “Come help me with dinner.” Mama’s eyes were big and round and on fire. Uncle Matt’s head drooped as he followed her.

The kitchen door squeaked closed. I pushed myself up the steps with my hands even though Mama always tells me not to. I waited at the top but the grown-ups stayed in the kitchen.

I lay flat on my belly and crawled like a snake into Alex’s room. Alex’s mobile went round and round. I turned into a big six-year-old girl again and did a push up to get standing up.

Alex was sitting straight up in the crib, there was so much space around him that he looked little even though Daddy says he’s big for his age. He was staring at the mobile like it turned him into a statue, he didn’t even move when I came in.

I grabbed onto the crib. Alex said, “No,” then he switched to baby language and said a bunch of stuff I couldn’t understand. He rocked back and forth and shrieked.

I dropped onto my sore knees and squeezed the little bars that held the crib up. I was in jail and Alex was visiting me. I looked at him through the bars. Soft footsteps came down the hall—Uncle Matt was coming to visit me too. Mama’s footsteps are always loud and the house shakes when she comes up the steps.

Uncle Matt leaned against the doorway, watching me. I got up but I stayed behind the crib. “I didn’t mean to make Alex cry.”

Uncle Matt put his hand out like he was gonna ruffle Alex’s hair but he just left it hanging. “Don’t worry about it. That’s just him trying to say something. See, Alex doesn’t talk the same way everyone else does. The doctor called it ‘autism’ but—”

“Emily,” Mama called. “Come set the table.”

Uncle Matt blinked. “Better get downstairs, kiddo.”

“I can’t. I’m in jail.”

Uncle Matt patted my hand. “I just let you out. Scoot.”

I walked backwards out of the room, watching him.

After Uncle Matt went home, Mama put on the radio and put the sweet potatoes in the microwave. I went in front of the radio to block the waves.

Mama said, “Ssh!” and turned the radio up so the waves went through me like Cupid’s arrows. The traffic report was on. Mama stood frozen like when you hit “pause” on the VCR.

I looked out the window. Snow melted off a big tree and went drip, drip, drip into the driveway. Everything looked ugly and slushy and naked. I squeezed my tummy. “Mama, I’m starving.”

Mama turned on the sink and scrubbed a pot. “Go see if your brother’s up from his nap.”

I backwards-walked to the kitchen door but I didn’t go any further. Instead I watched Mama scrub the pot. A big boy coasted down the street on his bike, I saw him from the window. The front door squeaked as he went away. I took my note off the kitchen table and backwards-walked to the living room. Daddy almost bumped me on his way in. “Hi, sweetie,” he said, peeling off his gloves.

I followed Daddy back into the kitchen. “Miss James gave me this note cause—”

“Traffic’s insane. And this weather.” Daddy shoved his gloves into his pockets. “We about ready to do candles?”

Mama’s back stiffened, but she nodded. I followed Daddy into the dining room. “Daddy, my note.”

Daddy pushed two candles into the menorah. “You know what, Emily? This year you’re big enough to do this with me.” He lit a match. The flame was blue and yellow and it looked mad. I stared into it, the note fell out of my hands.

Daddy lit the top candle. I wondered what the flame would do if I poked it. Daddy grabbed my wrist. His mouth opened and closed like a fish that couldn’ t breathe right. “Don’t … here, do it with me.” He guided my wrist towards the candle bottom. He pulled so hard it hurt.

“Daddy?” I said, but he was already singing in Hebrew.

I picked up the note and went on the other side of the menorah, behind the candles. I read aloud while Daddy finished singing the prayer. Maybe the words would bump each other in the air and get to everybody’s ears. “Dear Dr. and Mrs. Horowitz: It is with regret that I must tell you that Emily was not behaving in music class today. While the other students—”

The kitchen door swung open. Mama stood in the doorway. From behind the candles she looked like a shadowy ghost. I stopped reading. Daddy looked at me, then back at the candles.

“Mama?” I said. Mama didn’t answer. I looked back and forth from Mama to Daddy to the candles. Fire-spots danced in front of me. I rubbed my eyes but the spots didn’t go away.

“Dinner’s ready,” Mama said. Daddy went to go get Alex.

I slid the note across to Mama before I kicked out my chair. She picked it up and folded and unfolded it. It looked like a little bird that wanted to fly away.

“About that note,” I said. I pushed my hand into the chair ’til it left a mark. “Uhm … what happened was, Miss James wanted us to sing Christmas songs.” I waited for Mama and Daddy to look shocked but they didn’t. “Songs to Jesus.” I slapped my hand over my mouth to push the name back in.

Daddy tossed a spoonful of potatoes onto his plate. “Always listen to your teacher.”

“But Daddy, it’s wrong. We don’t—”

Mama put the note down. “Eat your dinner, Emily. I’ll sign this in the morning. I let go of the chair top, she leaned over me and said to Daddy, “Alex had his appointment this afternoon.”

Daddy spooned potatoes onto my plate. I stirred them with my fork to keep the butter from melting into them and making them sick.

Mama put her hand on my wrist and went on talking to Daddy. I turned towards the menorah and looked at the two candles burning. “Does God live inside the flame?”

Mama and Daddy stopped their conversation. “God is everywhere,” Mama said. She turned back to Daddy. “Anyway, Matthew thinks I’m overreacting but it just seems like a damn serious diagnosis.”

I turned away from the flame again, just in case, and started to cross myself the way Leigh does when she gets upset. Expect in the middle I bumped my hands together and pretended I was just squeezing them.

Mama looked at me. “What are you doing, Emily?”

I shoved my hands in my pockets. “Nothing.” Mama went on looking at me. I slid down in my seat to hide from her eyes.

“Straighten up, Emily,” Daddy said. I sat up in my seat again but I put my hand over my eyes so the candles couldn’t see inside me.

After a long time Daddy slammed his spoon down. He reached over and pushed my fork into my hand. “Stop the nonsense,” he said. His lips were thin and pressed together, his words came out by magic.

I took a bite of potato. It burned my mouth.

Daddy turned away from me. He and Mama went on talking.

The candles went on burning.

Outside the melting snow went drip drip drip against the window.

I slid down in my seat again. Under the table I crossed myself for real and hoped God understood.

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